Funny gross story 2/22
One
day I had really bad gas pain. I was 17 and it was a sat morning. I
started the day like many others with 2 slices of whole wheat toast and
some jam. The pain continued through out the day, it was really odd
because of how constant it was. It got really intense nearly ever 7
minutes, then go away. I could almost time it.
I decided to take a late afternoon shower after having several 'no joy' sessions on the toilet. I just couldn't go, it felt like I had something there, just nothing. In the shower, while standing around, it felt like a liquid fart forming. I pressed my hardest to get it out... and splat! Damn I pooped in the shower while trying to fart. Wait.. Thats blood.
Lots of blood.
This freaked me out a bit, so I called my mom at work. She hurried home and we went to ER. After explaining that I'd had this sharp pain every 7 minutes and shitting blood, they had to 'make sure'. They demanded a sample.
The problem with the sample method was, one of the reasons why i was there, was because I couldn't shit at all and the one time I did, blood splattered out. So I went to the bathroom with a cup. No joy.
They then said they'd have to "go get a sample'. So this hansom young doctor slaps on his gloves and asks me to curl up in a ball and sticks his finger up my ass. (first time for me) he pulls it out and shows the nurse. "Yep thats blood alright". Then he takes the glove off and places it in a cup. Calls up his friend fellow doctor and says, 'hey, could you confirm this is blood for me?" so his friend shows up and a second finger goes sliding in and wiggles around. "Yep thats blood he says to the nurse and his friend".
Awesome. Thank you for spending the last 2 hours confirming what I told you in the beginning. All the while this pain is happening every 7 minutes and it seems to get worse. All shit finger covered doctors agree, thats very odd.
Well, we need to give you a barium enema to see what shows up inside your bowels. Not sure what that is, I agree. For those uninitiated to the fun which is this, its a large bag of a white liquid, maybe a gallon? with a balloon tipped application head. Why the balloon on the tip? well thats to create a pressure wall so the liquid they are going to jam in reverse up into your bowels doesn't go shooting back out the hole, whence it came.
The expansion of said balloon, is fairly high on my no fun scale. But the liquid going in reverse though my bowels is a sensation now 25 years later, I don't forget. Its near indescribable like if diarrhea went forcefully back into your body.
I'm doing all this on an flat, hard totally uncomfortable xray table, with very sharp cold edges. At first I screamed, but the pain was so intense that I just started spontaneously throwing up. Not sure if the xray tech was prepared for that, because all he gave me to catch the puke was one of those little kidney bowels. So I have this tiny bowel attempting to contain, what seemed like, a near mirror of volume of liquid thats being jammed up my ass as to whats exiting my mouth.
The vomiting made me stop thinking about it briefly as my xray buddy continued with the mission of "must empty the entire bag of barium".
At the hight of my screams of pain, only filtered out by gurgles of vomiting, the cutest nurse/xray tech nurse comes in. Shes clearly surprised by my actions and the looks of the xray bag tech frustrations as he simply can't get the entire bag into the butt. I do what any 17 year old would.
"Sup baby, wanna party"? She was obviously older, but I felt I could get away with it and I was slightly mixed up. She just laughed and hurried out of the room.
After the Xray tech go most of the bag in, he then started to place me into all sorts of fun and kinky positions on the puke covered xray table. All the while I have this stick/tube lodged into my ass. It was very erotic. Xray techs know ALL the positions.
So he helps me off the table and then tells me to go to the toilet and expel the barium liquid, which sprayed out of me like some kind of demonic pink fire hose. What was once white, was now very pink.
I make it back to my ER room and the chocolate finger brothers are there welcoming me, with the news that I have an blockage of the lower bowels. Due to the amount of time thats passed and its location.. They are going to need to do an "Unprepped bowel" resection. Unprepped is the key word here, this means its going to get nice and funky on the OR table and the risk of secondary infection is VERY high. But as a bonus, we'll be near your appendix, so we'll just take that out for the fun of it while we're there.
Thats how I got my vertical 8 inch scar going from my waste above my belly button. I'm also forever numb between the scar and my belly button.
O and the super fun part.
I passed my first kidney stone 2 weeks later. That was really enjoyable after 3 ER visits and doctors telling me it was just healing pains due to my unrelated bowel surgery. But thats a different story, that involves cameras.. lasers... and Stints!
Maybe next time.
I decided to take a late afternoon shower after having several 'no joy' sessions on the toilet. I just couldn't go, it felt like I had something there, just nothing. In the shower, while standing around, it felt like a liquid fart forming. I pressed my hardest to get it out... and splat! Damn I pooped in the shower while trying to fart. Wait.. Thats blood.
Lots of blood.
This freaked me out a bit, so I called my mom at work. She hurried home and we went to ER. After explaining that I'd had this sharp pain every 7 minutes and shitting blood, they had to 'make sure'. They demanded a sample.
The problem with the sample method was, one of the reasons why i was there, was because I couldn't shit at all and the one time I did, blood splattered out. So I went to the bathroom with a cup. No joy.
They then said they'd have to "go get a sample'. So this hansom young doctor slaps on his gloves and asks me to curl up in a ball and sticks his finger up my ass. (first time for me) he pulls it out and shows the nurse. "Yep thats blood alright". Then he takes the glove off and places it in a cup. Calls up his friend fellow doctor and says, 'hey, could you confirm this is blood for me?" so his friend shows up and a second finger goes sliding in and wiggles around. "Yep thats blood he says to the nurse and his friend".
Awesome. Thank you for spending the last 2 hours confirming what I told you in the beginning. All the while this pain is happening every 7 minutes and it seems to get worse. All shit finger covered doctors agree, thats very odd.
Well, we need to give you a barium enema to see what shows up inside your bowels. Not sure what that is, I agree. For those uninitiated to the fun which is this, its a large bag of a white liquid, maybe a gallon? with a balloon tipped application head. Why the balloon on the tip? well thats to create a pressure wall so the liquid they are going to jam in reverse up into your bowels doesn't go shooting back out the hole, whence it came.
The expansion of said balloon, is fairly high on my no fun scale. But the liquid going in reverse though my bowels is a sensation now 25 years later, I don't forget. Its near indescribable like if diarrhea went forcefully back into your body.
I'm doing all this on an flat, hard totally uncomfortable xray table, with very sharp cold edges. At first I screamed, but the pain was so intense that I just started spontaneously throwing up. Not sure if the xray tech was prepared for that, because all he gave me to catch the puke was one of those little kidney bowels. So I have this tiny bowel attempting to contain, what seemed like, a near mirror of volume of liquid thats being jammed up my ass as to whats exiting my mouth.
The vomiting made me stop thinking about it briefly as my xray buddy continued with the mission of "must empty the entire bag of barium".
At the hight of my screams of pain, only filtered out by gurgles of vomiting, the cutest nurse/xray tech nurse comes in. Shes clearly surprised by my actions and the looks of the xray bag tech frustrations as he simply can't get the entire bag into the butt. I do what any 17 year old would.
"Sup baby, wanna party"? She was obviously older, but I felt I could get away with it and I was slightly mixed up. She just laughed and hurried out of the room.
After the Xray tech go most of the bag in, he then started to place me into all sorts of fun and kinky positions on the puke covered xray table. All the while I have this stick/tube lodged into my ass. It was very erotic. Xray techs know ALL the positions.
So he helps me off the table and then tells me to go to the toilet and expel the barium liquid, which sprayed out of me like some kind of demonic pink fire hose. What was once white, was now very pink.
I make it back to my ER room and the chocolate finger brothers are there welcoming me, with the news that I have an blockage of the lower bowels. Due to the amount of time thats passed and its location.. They are going to need to do an "Unprepped bowel" resection. Unprepped is the key word here, this means its going to get nice and funky on the OR table and the risk of secondary infection is VERY high. But as a bonus, we'll be near your appendix, so we'll just take that out for the fun of it while we're there.
Thats how I got my vertical 8 inch scar going from my waste above my belly button. I'm also forever numb between the scar and my belly button.
O and the super fun part.
I passed my first kidney stone 2 weeks later. That was really enjoyable after 3 ER visits and doctors telling me it was just healing pains due to my unrelated bowel surgery. But thats a different story, that involves cameras.. lasers... and Stints!
Maybe next time.
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